Lingering Chemo effects, living in the thunderdome

Hello all,
Its been 6 weeks since I finished Chemo and I am still feeling the effects. The last blood test I had showed some improvements, but the counts were still at all-time lows. The doctor was happy to see the improvement and to get tested again in a month. I am glad they are not worried - but I sure am. I continue to have flashback bouts of exhaustion where I 'sleep' for days, its not really sleep, but this uncanny state where my mind is totally awake, but my body is asleep. It's a trapped feeling, and might be a dream state.

Speaking of worry, oddly enough I seem to be more worried and paranoid than I have been through this whole journey. At the last oncologist appointment, the doctor pointed out something quite notable. He said that I am DONE with conventional treatment, bar immunotherapy. I have had the lifetime limit for chemotherapy and radiation. This takes me back to the beginning when the oncologists and made me sign a legal document that I acknowledge that both the chemo and radiation side effects are other cancers, most notably leukemia. One of the symptoms of leukemia? Low blood counts. Downright scary.

I also feel abandoned by the medial community. It's like when I was diagnosed I entered a long hallway of medical treatments. Each doorway another treatment. When I got to the end of the hallway, the last door shut behind me and now I am standing in nomads land fearing the attack of the brain cancer returning and other looming cancers. Envision living in the thunderdome with Mad Max, but rather than being chased by a bunch of sword wielding freaks in dilapidated armored trucks, I am being chased by silent cancers with nowhere to run and hide, and nothing to fight them off.  Every time I experience brain tumor symptoms; limb weakness, visual disturbances, stabbing pain, etc., it's like seeing one of those trucks coming in the distance to attack me. I have only hope that they won't make it till tomorrow.

I don't dwell on these fears, they live in the back of my mind only peeking out occasionally. I have a smile on my face every day and hope in my heart, consciously taking note of the joys in life. Enjoy your food. Chase your dreams. Hug your family. Embrace nature. Do it today, don't wait for tomorrow.

Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas,
Ed